As a long time tutor and education consultant, I notice the relationship between parents and children right away when I meet them. Most parents have an immense amount of love for their children which exudes into the environment and all around them. As loving as they are, one of the common gaps and rifts I observe between parents and their student-child, with all due empathy, is how they communicate, or I should say, ‘meaninglessly’ communicate with their young person.
Meaningful conversation is what young people are after!
I know it sounds crazy to say this because which adolescent or teen has ever volunteered to do real or deep talk, especially with their parents? They usually act quite literally the opposite ‘of this – wanting light talk and preferably no talk – especially if you are their parent. But I promise you, if you can trust me as a long time teacher and tutor and coach, young people absolutely crave talks — because it makes them feel heard and seen!
No matter our age, we all want to feel seen and be heard but sometime during our youth, depending on what kind of community or family we grew up in, we learn subtly but powerfully, that people don’t really know how to, or avoid real talk. And so, we learn to do the same to belong to our world. We may not be seen or heard well, but the least we need to cling onto is belonging.
So, the age of shallow talk, grunts, avoidant half sentences, and withdrawn moods and mumbles begin. But there is a way to stop this from shaping up too badly and it will take vulnerability and meaningful talk by the parents – the earlier the better!
What do I mean by this, for example?
I mean, instead of asking the society approved generic question “How was your day?”, ask this more meaningfully. You could ask, “What was the best part and worst part of your day today?”. This kind of question will get them reflecting on their day, remembering it more specifically, archiving the ‘good and the bad or mediocre’ and then articulating and expressing it. Like I said above, young people want to be really seen, and a parent or caregiver that asks this kind of question show they want to see them more in their full light whilst they are at school, the place where they spend most of their time and energy and focus, and being.
Another question you can ask is, “which one of your subjects in school makes you feel like you really enjoy the world of knowledge and which subject makes you feel defeated and sorry that you ever have to do it?”. Look at the layers of this question – this is what I mean by deep. In answering the question your young person might need a bit of pause or reflection because maybe they never thought about their subjects this way, and have just been ‘sucking it up’ and going through classes day after day. This kind of meaningful asking, also let’s you know them better and decide as their parent whether some support, academically or otherwise is needed for them to connect to their subjects and learning content more meaningfully, rather than being consumed by the gaps, confusions, or challenges they have within it, and the stress, overwhelm and perhaps loneliness they’re experiencing silently.
Why am I sharing this so honestly with you?
As a long time Tutor at Über Tutors, who really really cares, I ask all of these questions and get profound answers and a clear vision of my students and how I can support them with a bit of warmth and clear guidance. I also constantly wish that these questions and the desire to go deep with young people into their internal world when it comes to ‘school life’, was something we all asked about more consistently as parents and teachers and then made decisions that shows we are here for them and willing to help them feel better.
I also know and empathise with parents that often they are ‘starving’ for a proper bond and some connecting conversation with their beloved teen. My heart really goes out to you beautiful parents, and so I hope that asking you to initiate better questions has felt helpful!
If this article made you reflect with an ‘aha!’ or if you tried the example questions and it started the journey to a better bond, please let us know – we would be so chuffed to hear from you! Email us at info@ubertutors.co.uk
